Impossible Girls
In response to Reverend Evan Dolive’s Open Letter to Victoria Secret:
Although I have no idea what other values this man
represents, I strongly share the beliefs outlined in his letter to Victoria Secret.....I
wish it started and stopped with Victoria's Secret...Perhaps he hasn't perused
his local Wal-Mart toy department lately, where the "girl" aisles are
already amuck with sexy panties for 12 year olds, and toys that have more in
common with porn stars than any other role model (hello, Bratz, Monster High
etc). Maybe he doesn't have cable, where girls like Alex Rousseau value
attitude and rudeness more than friendship and intelligence, or I-Carly or any other "Family"(and I say
that with the grandest sense of irony) TV show - where social currency is
judgement, sass and making out with boys.
I am a daughter, a
mother of a daughter (and a son), a wife and a teacher of adolescents. I see
the Victoria Secret effect every day (literally..., like, literally.) I get appalling
amounts of saucy back talk from 15 year olds with their thongs on display; who
spend more time preening in their cell phone cameras than contributing to
classroom discussion. They are not vain or even shallow they are trying
desperately and deeply to measure up. When every faux pas (fashion or
otherwise) is instantly uploaded for all to see and pass judgement on (in 140
characters or less) they are exerting inhuman effort to look right, because that
is all that matters, and even then, sometimes, that isn't enough. But screwing
up on YouTube looking hot is preferable to screwing up on YouTube looking bad.
I am worried about my daughter.
Being a girl has always been hard. But now, being a girl is
impossible. You have to be smart mouthed (not the same as smart), sexy, with a
perfect physique, a perfect wardrobe, experienced but not skanky, and a long
list of other superficial and contradictory characteristics. What if she falls
into that un-navigable maze, fraught with an over inflated need to impress
others and sub-zero self esteem? What if her kind and delicate heart can't
endure?
And I am worried about my son, whose image of a valuable
woman is one without pubic hair, who needs bigger boobs and smaller brains. My
son, who may grow up thinking it’s Ok for women to be rude as long as they are
sexy… because, "Who cares about personality...did you check out her
underwear?" Whose peers don't even bat an eyelash at porn because it is
everywhere...even the toy aisle at Wal-Mart. (Did I mention Bratz?)
I want a girl's beauty to be measured by generosity,
leadership, capability, curiosity, intelligence, integrity, kindness, strength,
independence, helpfulness, soulfulness, and heart....not her underwear.
But we don't make toys that look like Maya Angelou or Marie
Curie or Indira Ghandi or Pearl S. Buck. We make toys that look like Lady Gaga
and Sexy Corpses. ‘Cause dead girls are sexy...right? (Hello, Monster High.) Our romantic role models are vampires and
sexual submissives.... so our daughters are looking for suitors who are
emotionally inaccessible and totally dominant. Lovers who value only their own
pleasure and not hers.
Victoria Secret is just the tip of the iceberg.
It isn’t productive to lay blame or point fingers, but we
must as parents … as consumers, evaluate our own responsibility in this. It is
productive to recognize that we are responsible for our children. My husband
and I raise our daughter and our son. Not Mattel or Hasbro, not Disney, not YouTube,
not facebook, not MTV. We do, her mom
and dad. We lay the groundwork. I am not dumb enough to think that it begins
and ends with me…but I am smart enough to know that it does begin and end with
her. So I will set a bedtime, and put 3
square meals in front of her each day, I will listen to relentless knock-knock
jokes and kiss scraped knees. I will set curfews and I will enforce them, I
will watch TV, even the Family channel and I will talk with her about what we
see, the things we loved (even cute shoes) and the things that bugged us (the
way Alex spoke to her brother ) and sometimes (many times) we will turn the TV
off. I will creep on her facebook (if I ever let her on it) I will invite her
friends to our home, I will drive them to and from and I will chaperone the
semi-formal. I will not buy toys that
contradict my values. I will pin her art to my fridge and display her poetry in
my workspace. I will brag about her imagination and her sense of adventure more
than her beauty and her wardrobe. I will
tell her exciting stories about amazing women (real and imagined) and I will
make her spend as much time as possible around the real women I most admire.
And I will do my very best to live the way I want her to live. I will foster
and cherish my relationships with women; I will speak to my husband and son
with love and appreciation for the wonderful role they play in my life. I will
nurture in myself the qualities I hope to instill in her, self-worth, personal
strength, capability, positivity, integrity and generosity. I will talk about
beauty with the conviction that it is not skin deep, that it is universal and
all-inclusive. I will bite my tongue when I feel driven by harsh self judgement
or negativity towards others. I will love myself in the very way I love her. In
doing so I hope to teach her that she is already worthy, and the right doll,
the right lipstick, and the right panties are accessories, not an indicator of
her real value.
Emily Pittman March 25th, 2013.